In a Season of Waiting

I’m in a season of waiting… and it’s not fun.

Waiting for my body to heal…
Waiting for my time to carry a baby…
Waiting to see change and growth…
Waiting for a season to live in the US again…
Waiting for reconciliation in relationships…

I feel like I’ve been in these seasons longer than I should be, but see only more waiting ahead. I’ve given up on some, diverting my attention to others. I try to manhandle the situation to force the end of specific seasons, only for them to get extended. As timelines get elongated, it feels like a sick joke - one that’s frustrating and painful and exhausting making me want to cry and yell and curl up in a ball until its over. I wonder why some seasons get extended, why God seems to want me in this place for longer than I want to be, why there isn’t an end in sight.

And because I don’t have answers, I white-knuckle the things I want and do my best to control and manipulate them into what I think I want and need, only to be disappointed and in pain when my palms turn raw from my plans being ripped from my grip. Because in reality, I have far less control than I think I do. While I know that’s a good thing - a gift, really - my human nature wants to have control. I want to be God. I want to have all wisdom and control over my seasons and only wait as long as it isn’t inconvenient or painful.

Surrender - I’m not good at that. I’m not good at letting go and trusting. I’m not good at intentionally putting one foot in front of the other as I hope for and anticipate the end of waiting. I’m not good at cultivating the virtue of waiting. I’m much better at becoming numb from the disappointment. I’m much better at riding out my days in a daze and letting the confusion and pain of another day lived without answers get the best of me. I’m much better at expending my energy to eliminate the wait.

There’s a saying that I’ve heard as long as I can remember -

“…the good ol’ days.”

It’s a saying that older generations say when thinking about and reminiscing on days when they were younger, in their prime, with children, and/or living out their purpose on purpose. More recently, I’ve heard mothers in the trenches use it to remind themselves of the beauty of their current reality - that one day they will look back on these days with fondness, wishing for one more day with small kids, and using that to gain perspective and live their purpose on purpose now, not wish it away for an easier season.

While I’m not in a season with kids, I am in a season that I’ll never get back. And instead of becoming numb by the overwhelming frustrations and disappointments of life right now, I think I need a perspective shift, because - whether I like it or not - I’m in “the good ol’ days”.

I’m in the season of early marriage. I’ll never live that again.
I’m in the season of living with family in India. That may not always be the best thing for our family.
I’m in the season of time available for creative projects. I may not have this same amount of time freedom again.
I’m in the season of investing in my health. I’ll need this for future strength.

If I’m willing to see it, I’m in “the good ol’ days”. There’s beauty and purpose here among the grief and pain.

This little blog is something I’ve thought about doing for years. I’ve wanted a place to collect my stories from the almost 9 years of life as an expat in India, the lessons I’ve learned, and valuable resources I’ve picked up along the way. I think now is the right time to start putting pen to paper to intentionally mark out and remember the faithfulness of God through it all and experience “the good ol’ days” now in this season of waiting.

I don’t know about you, but I’m so quick to forget the ways God has answered prayers over time. I’m so focused on the next thing, that I forget to reflect on what He has done. Of course I’m not going to see His goodness if I’m only focused on what He hasn’t done, the prayers He hasn’t yet answered. But he is everywhere in the story of my past.

I’m borrowing this anthem from my friend, Amanda Johnson -
”When life is HARD, I cling to His faithfulness. When [life is] good, I praise His faithfulness.”

I hope the practice of writing and creativity and serving will help me see God’s goodness and faithfulness. I hope that will push me into living my purpose on purpose now. Because even here, in the not yet, He is faithful and has been through every season, I just need to open my eyes.

- Elizabeth

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